Separation Anxiety

Each morning, nearly as soon as he wakes up, Robby begins complaining and fretting about school. By the time he is getting dressed, he is fighting back tears. During the drive to school I am berated with the looping chorus of, "I really don't want to go to school. I'm going to miss you. I want to stay home." He clings tightly to me and cries when we walk into the classroom.  Needless to say, I am at my wits end and I'm not sure how to proceed!

Going to school is, of course, not optional. He has to go regardless of the pleas to stay home and the tears streaming down his little cheeks. I just wish that he would handle the transition with more grace.

I would be more concerned about the classroom if each of my drop-in visits hadn't revealed my little boy happily playing with his classmates. His teacher reports that he is both popular and doing well with his work. Robby is full of stories and all smiles each afternoon when I pick him up, even remarking that school was fun and claiming to be excited about going back the next day. Of course, by the time we are getting ready for another school day, the tears and drama return.

Robby's issue is not with school but lies with his separating from me. I love that he enjoys spending time with me, but I am beginning to wonder if his attachment is becoming detrimental. I thought I was doing the best thing for him by keeping him home instead of enrolling him in daycare. Now I feel guilty, thinking that I damaged him.

I knew that the transition to full day school would be hard, but I never expected his adjustment to be this difficult. I keep telling myself that it will get better, and hoping that one morning he will simply forget to cry when I drop him off. In the meantime I will continue to downplay our goodbyes and focus on the positive things that he likes about school, like his two recesses, the engineer table, and snack time.

Leg Talk

Twice a day I am inundated with questions about my prosthetic. Each morning and again in the afternoon, Robby's classmates surround and pepper me with observations and questions. After the Pirate Party was derailed when the students were more interested in my foot than the cupcakes I brought, it became obvious that the time was ripe for a prosthetic show and tell.

Robby's teacher is wonderful and seemed relieved when I offered to come in and discuss my leg with the class. In retrospect, she has probably been trying to figure out a politically correct way to ask. I would have offered sooner, but I didn't want to impose.

This morning I'll be returning to classroom teaching! Robby is excited about having me come and spend time in his room. When I told him that I'll be talking with his friends about my leg, he informed me that it was "boring." He suggested I talk about something "really super cool, like how to catch a blue gill at the Animal Park." In his eyes, apparently a fish trumps a prosthetic.

I suspect that his friends will be more impressed with my prosthetic as Robby has been living with my various legs his entire life. For him, having multiple legs around the house is the norm!

I must admit that I'm looking forward to talking with his classmates. I even dug through the back of my closet and uncovered my first prosthetic. I'm going to leave it at school so that the kids can explore and play with it. I'm hoping that my talking as well as  leaving a leg behind will help quell some of the curiosity. While I like talking with his friends, I'd like to move the topic to something beyond my amputation.

A Sleepy Pirate

This was not an easy morning to get out moving. Between the steady cold rain we experienced yesterday and my deciding to "give running on the treadmill a whirl," my leg was been angry by the time I crawled into bed. Sleep last night was nearly impossible due to the relentless nerve stinging, which in turn caused my leg to kick uncontrollably.

After two hours it became clear that I was destined for a long night. Because of my Rockette performance, I moved to the living room so I wouldn't disturb Scott. While moving allowed my husband to sleep, it did nothing to help my cause. I spent most of the night not-so-silently cursing my amputation while watching infomercials touting work-out programs and mineral make-up.

Last night was the first time in months that I have lost sleep due to phantom nerve pain. The Kinesio tape has been working wonders to keep the angry little nerves in check. I suspect that the impact of my running the treadmill was simply too much for the pretty blue tape to handle. Ticked off nerves became another reason for me to avoid running.

At three in the morning, with my leg kicking wildly, it was difficult to remember that I am actually lucky. So many of my amputee friends wage war against phantom pain on a regular basis. I can't imagine living with that misery. Considering that I only experience a handful of sleepless nights a year, I shouldn't complain.

Of course, right now I am complaining. I'm tired and my body is sore. I have meetings scheduled throughout the afternoon, thwarting any dream of taking a nap. I'm going to be keeping my coffee pot within arms reach in order to get through the day.

On top of my meetings, I've promised Robby that I would host a party at school this afternoon. After all, today is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." The class party seemed like a great idea last week. With an hours sleep, a sore leg and a busy schedule, I'm having second thoughts. Of course, I don't want to disappoint Robby and his friends so I'll be putting on a pirate hat and proudly presenting the little buccaneers with a tray full of cupcakes. On the good side, my limp will go along with my pirate persona!

A Sweaty Solution

An often unspoken issue for amputees who are working out is the sweaty limb. I'm not talking a little perspiration. I'm talking about copious amounts of liquid that pools at the bottom of the liner.
When I'm working out at a high intensity or if it is hot outside, I often have to stop my activity, sit down and remove my liner so that I can quite literally pour out the sweat. Not only is it inconvenient, it is absolutely disgusting! If I don't get rid of the liquid, my leg begins to piston within the liner, compromising my suspension and my ability to walk safely.

Spraying my limb with antiperspirant helped but did not completely resolve the issue. I have been complaining and looking for a solution since I became an amputee 9 years ago. I haven't found a remedy- until now!

When I was in Boston I discovered an antiperspirant spray manufactured by ALPS. Unlike what I have been using, this spray was designed to be used on the residual limb. Four times stronger than commercial antiperspirants, the manufacturer claims it to be powerful enough to tackle the sweatiest situation, including my leg!

Last week I started spraying down my limb before going to the gym. I was initially skeptical, but I was converted to a believer after my first workout. To my delight, my leg stayed dry within my liner while the rest of my body was dripping with sweat!

I was thrilled to discover the product, but frustrated to learn that it has been on the market for some time. I've been working at conferences for almost five years. During all of this time, why didn't I know about this spray? Again, I am left wondering what other solutions I don't know.

Almost the Weekend!

I am so happy that it's finally Friday! My house is uncomfortably quiet during the day while both boys are at school. I can't wait to spend the entire weekend with Robby, playing outside and listening to his adventures. I miss him so much while he is at school.

I've been promised by every friend who is a parent that, within a few weeks, I will adjust to the silence and learn to relish the solitude. I'm sure that they are right and that by the time June comes around, my growing pains will be nothing but a memory. In the meantime though, I'm lonely during the day. Thankfully Mr. Bill, my neighbor, has become my mid-morning coffee buddy. Spending 30 minutes chatting with him always makes me feel better.

I do have to admit that the quiet has afforded me the ability to concentrate. I've been getting a lot of work done, and I don't want to jinx myself, but I may actually be ahead of schedule. Yesterday afternoon I found myself in the unusual situation of having all my projects complete. Instead of starting on the laundry or cleaning my house, I opted to relax and go for a walk. I felt a bit like a child playing hookey from school as I casually strolled through the neighborhood. 

Between staying at my Mom's house and my trip to Boston, we have been coming up short when it comes to family time. This weekend  will not be spent working on my computer. Instead, I will be outside enjoying the warm air and soaking up the sunshine.  Whatever we end up doing, I know that we'll be having fun simply because we are all going to be together!

A Most Depressing Statistic

According to many experts, 95% of all health problems are held by 5% of the population. The fact that such a small minority of society endures the vast majority of ailments is difficult to fathom. The uneven distribution of health issues seemed unfair!

Unjust as it appears, in my experience the statistic seems valid. Since I have become an amputee, I have developed a variety of "secondary" medical conditions which are a direct result of my limb loss. I have been diagnosed with osteoporosis because of uneven weight distribution throughout my skeletal system, a neuroma, and bone spurs. 

I have problems with my shoulder, neck and back because of a compromised gait pattern. A few weeks ago I thought Robby and Scott were surprising me with breakfast in bed. I quickly realized that it was my body, and not a bowl of cereal, that was going snap, crackle and pop. As much as I hate it, from a skeletal perspective I am older than my age.

Because of my prosthetic use, I am prone to infections in my limb. The warm, moist environment of my socket, combined with the constant wear and tear of walking, creates a perfect storm for bacteria growth. Skin breakdown, even the slightest nick or blister, can become a conduit for a swift growing infection. My circulation was compromised by the amputation and I can't always feel when a sore is developing. Each night I must physically inspect my leg to ensure limb health.

Sometimes, all of the proactive measures don't prevent an infection. While I am currently healthy, several of my amputee friends are currently waging war with various infections. Each has a unique circumstance around how the intruders entered the body, but each friend is currently in a battle to save the limb and, in at least two cases, for her very life. Infections in the residual limb cannot be taken lightly!

An individual may not be disabled by the primary handicap, but can quickly become debilitated due to the secondary conditions that arise. When health impairments begin to cascade, we are put in a position of playing medical roulette. Physicians are relegated to trying to treat the current ailment without doing too much damage on the body and causing another issue. 

As much as I hate the reality, I have to agree with the depressing statistic. When you live your life with a disability, no surgery is ever routine and no cold should be considered "common." My friends' health struggles remind me that seemingly healthy person can quickly be battling for life and limb. I am appreciative of the fact that I am healthy, but I am acutely aware that I could be in their situation. Please keep my friends in your thoughts.

Number One...

Although Monday marked the beginning of Robby's second week of school, it was also my first opportunity to establish a new schedule for the family. Last week, between my preparing to travel and Robby's drama/trauma of starting school, it was simply too chaotic to even attempt a routine. In many ways, my excitement is reminiscent of the first week in January. I'm embracing new opportunities to put my dreams and goals in motion.

As my work responsibilities have increased I've been struggling to find the balance between my professional and family obligations. My desire to spend quality time with Robby has forced me to wake up before dawn in order to get my projects complete. With him being in school and freeing up six hours a day, I'm looking forward to working more normal hours.

Between working, spending time with Robby and caring for my Mom, I have become lapse about going to the gym. I've wanted to go but there never seemed to be enough time. As a result my pants have been feeling snugger and I've lost my "I feel stronger" enthusiasm. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive and the negative thought loop is beginning to play in my head.

It's easy to list the excuses for why I haven't been to the gym in three weeks. In reality, it come down to one glaring point- I haven't been making myself a priority in my life. As of Monday morning, that has changed!

I woke up early and packed my gym bag. After I dropped Robby off at school I drove directly to the gym.  I think that I have the best chance of not becoming distracted by work and meetings if I work-out first thing in the morning. I felt oddly apprehensive entering the gym, as if my absence should be the source of shame. Of course, nobody noticed and I was able to resume my work-out.

I felt fatigued but satisfied when I finished. I came home and worked for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon. Despite the time I spent in the gym, my projects were done by the time I picked Robby up at school!

This school year offers new possibilities for each member of our family. As much as I yearn to keep him little, Robby will grow up significantly during the next few months. He's going to spread his wings, make new friends and have wonderful experiences. I'm going to learn to re-prioritize myself. Who knows how far I'll go when I finally give myself the time and care that I deserve!