Photo Proof

When I was pregnant with Robby I remember losing sleep worrying about how my child would feel about his disabled mother. My main concern was my amputation causing embarrassing for him as he grew up. Although he wasn't even yet born, I was already anxious and fretting about his teen years. Would he want me to hide my disability? I remember feeling so overwhelmed because I couldn't predict the future.

17 years have flown by since those sleepless pregnant nights. If I could go back in time, I would pat myself on the head and tell worried me to go back to sleep because everything will be okay. Typical to my fashion, I worried more than necessary. For both of my boys, my 'disability' has become a part of the fabric of our family which requires no excuses or explanations. 

Robby has been taking a photo manipulation course in school this semester. As a project he was tasked with taking a photo of an individual and manipulating it with words that he associates with that individual. I had no idea what he was doing when he asked me to pose for a photo, but I obliged because he asked. I was overwhelmed and brought to tears when he showed me his completed project.

I know that this blog has established a reach beyond a single days post. If you are reading this and you are currently, or are considering becoming a parent, know that what I feared my kids would view as weakness they actually see as strength. How do I know?  Because I now have the photographic evidence.

2022- A Year of Change and Adventure

Slowly but surely, my home is being transitioned from a winter wonderland back to our norm. Decorations are being boxed and stacked to be stowed over the weekend. The tree will be packed up over New Year, and then we will be ready to tackle 2023. Well, I'm not sure we will be ready for the New Year, but at least the house will be uncluttered and clean for the fresh start.

2022 was a year full of change and adventures. 

Timmy started a new school which required adjustments from everybody in the family, especially him. It was hard but I am proud of us for sticking with it. I now have a little kiddo who is eager to return to the classroom. Change was hard but, especially in this situation, it was definitely worth it.

In June I dropped Robby and Scott off at the airport as they embarked on their European adventure. When I picked them up nearly 2 weeks later, they were both transformed. Experiencing other cultures, immersing themselves in history and sharing so many inside memories and jokes strengthened their bond and changed the tone of their relationship. 

I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that I am envious of their banter. It seems that they can relate the most mundane happening to something memorable in Europe. I have come to accept that European trip stories are going to be shared around my table for decades.

While 2022 brought change and adventure, it also served detours and heartache. In September my brother became an above knee amputee. I still develop a lump in my throat whenever I write or speak those words. His health is stable but his struggle remains profound. With addiction at the helm of every aspect of his life, his adjustment and his ability to adapt his life to accommodate a new disability has been severely compromised. 

Reflecting on the past 12 months, I am looking ahead with an odd mixture of excitement and dread. I know that worrying and fretting are fruitless, but my anxiety is running high when I anticipate the changes ahead. Hopefully 2023 will prove kind and gracious.

 

Strange Time of Year

The week between Christmas and the new year feels like I am living in a twilight zone. While my family is basking in vacation mode, unaware of the day of the week and unconcerned about anything beyond entertainment and eating, I am juggling conference calls and work projects. Because our social circle is heavy with both teachers and students, it feels like the entire world is on vacation this week except for me. (Of course I know this is not true.)

Temporarily resuming my summer schedule of waking early to work in the quiet has been helpful and exhausting. I am fairly confident that my body won't adjust to the sleep changes until next week when I can resume my normal schedule. In the meantime, coffee and tea have become my companions. 

I don't begrudge anybody a vacation, but it is hard to be the only person with daily responsibilities. After all, I want to play too! I'm going to work to strike a balance today so I can try to enjoy this strange time of year.

Christmas 2022

 Despite my planning, my lengthy lists and my countdown calendar, Christmas morning still came down to the final moments. As I was pulling presents out of every nook and cranny in our home I found myself overwhelmed with sadness as I thought about Mr. Bill. Stashing presents at his house throughout the season simplified Christmas more than I appreciated at the time. I miss him so much!

Per tradition, my mom came down on Christmas Eve. Timmy, who had been working transforming his bedroom into an art gallery to impress his Nana, was on pins and needles waiting for her arrival. I think he was as excited to see his Nana as he was for Santa. We scurried around all day, cleaning and preparing for the holiday. As soon as my mom pulled into the driveway, I switched from preparation mode to holiday mode. 

I was busy, but I did my best to disconnect and enjoy the day. Saturday evening we unwrapped family gifts, prepared for Santa and went to bed. My Mom was tucked into Timmy's "art gallery" for the night, keeping him company and confined to his bedroom. When we were confident that they were asleep, the elves went to work.

Christmas morning was fantastic. Both boys were delighted with their surprises and spent the majority of the morning assembling and playing. In the afternoon my sister and her kids joined our holiday party. By the time dinner was finished and the kitchen was clean, I was exhausted! It was a fantastic but tiring day.

Yesterday was spent assembling, playing and cleaning. Today everybody (except for me) has off work/ school. Even after only a few days off, it is going to be hard to get back into the groove.

 

Panic Countdown

 The cold rain, which was supposed to stop yesterday evening, is still falling. I didn't need to get out of bed to know that it was still miserable outside. My tibia felt like it had been hit with a bat whenever I moved my leg. I managed to get through the majority of the day without impactful pain, a gift which I greatly appreciate, but my luck wore out when the sun set. 

Almost as soon as night began to fall my leg began to ache. The phantom pain that I had been expecting all day finally arrived, and she was making up for lost time. Because I had accomplished so much during the day, I did not feel guilty popping off my leg and crawling into bed early. I was able to sleep, probably because I was exhausted from cooking and cleaning all day, but the rest was fitful and uncomfortable. 

The rain is supposed to clear soon and I'm hoping that the pain will depart with it. The temperatures are supposed to plunge, but it is typically the precipitation that causes me the discomfort. I can handle the cold- as long as I am inside by the fire. Friend will be especially displeased with the sudden onset of frigid weather. At least our short walks will be driven by him and not because of my leg pain.

We are in the final countdown for Christmas and I do not have time to rest. Santa comes in a few days and his elves haven't wrapped anything yet. I'm definitely feeling the holiday pressure right now!

 

Painful Prep

 The Snowman is steadily counting down the minutes until Christmas. I don't feel prepared or ready, but I never do so this sense of panic feels normal and oddly comforting. I'm doing exactly what I should be doing at this time before Christmas: panic. 

The only people coming to my house this year are my Mom and my sister and her kids so any expectation that the house would be spotless has already been squashed. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of wrapping I need to undertake. Unfortunately I can't really do any of the wrapping until I have the house to myself. Ironically, a quiet house was one of my Christmas wishes. If I can't find time today to wrap, I'm going to have to send the boys out for lunch and a movie tomorrow. 

Today will be miserable outside. To our great disappointment, we are getting cold rain in lieu of snow. My leg is feeling the precipitation but I'm hoping that I will walk out of the pain as the day progresses. I have way too much to do today to deal with pain so I am praying that my limb and the phantom pain overlords will cooperate. Fingers crossed.

Snow Ready

My house may be under decorated compared to previous years but it is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas outside. For the first time in more than a decade, it looks like we might have a White Christmas. The boys, especially Timmy, is overjoyed with the prospect of sledding with his cousins on Christmas. In his eyes, it would make the day absolutely perfect.

Because snow is on the way later this week, the boys spent yesterday outside working on the leaves. Since it is Restitution Week, the final opportunity to make amends with Santa for all naughty transgressions throughout the year, I did not have to field complaints or procrastination. Talk about a nice change.

Timmy must be especially worried about his place on Santa's list because he raked like a man on a mission. Although the work was both dirty and tiring, it was nice being outside with everybody. Even Friend got into the action, happily chasing every stick we through out of the yard and into the woods. It took two hours and the yard is now ready for winter and for snow. 

Now we just wait for the flakes to start falling.